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I keep a listing of various
REAL emails that I've received over the course of the years.
Back to additional information page which you really should read...all the way to the bottom. One more thing...we're NOT involved with the production of the A&E program. They made a nice contribution to the bank account to encourage us to stay out. If you have questions, compliments, or complaints, don't waste your time sending them to me. Send them to A&E. You can find their Web site by going to the fan sites.
Subject: nero short stories
Dear Archie,
Yep, I get that a lot. As for information on the books, have a look at some of the fan sites. Archie
Subject: Computers
Dear Archie: How in the world did you get Mr. Wolfe off his duff long enough
to join the 21st Century and purchase the necessary equipment to keep up
I realize he, finally, gave in to a Television Set - after much
prodding - but how about VCR's, FAX Machines, Pagers and Cell Phones, just
to
We know you're a genius but even Houdini couldn't accomplish the above. _____ First of all, Mr. Wolfe didn't get "off his duff" in the slightest. Yours truly did all the work. He just signed the checks. And hosting a Web site isn't very expensive. But it's pretty profitable as you can see from all of the messages we're getting. The design was courtesy of our good friend Jim Frazier of The Gadwall Group, and the laptop is MINE. I plan on taking it with me the next time I resign. As for the cell phones...Panzer and Durking both have them, so that was easy. Mr. Wolfe isn't against technology, he just needs to get REALLY comfortable with it first. You should see how we're keeping the germination records now! Archie
Subject: Job Opportunity
Hi, I am going to keep this message as brief as possible initally. I
am from
How does one go about entering this arae of employment. I have served with the Irish police force before returning
to study for my masters and am considering a job outside of Ireland that
will call on my
Regards ______
Subject: (no subject)
Hello, I lost my dog on Saturday. It was found by a woman who gave it away in front of the local 7-11. The lady who took my dog gave her first name and phone number. When I tried to call her to return my dog she hangs up! I went to the police who called her and tried to speak to her in Spanish--she hung up on the officer. What can I do with only a first name and number? help!!!! thanks,
I appreciate your situation, but you DO have a phone number. And our fees ARE exorbitant. I'd also suggest you check our additional information page and read the BOTTOM of the page. Archie
Subject: Unbelievable!
I was just surfing around and I stumbled upon this site. I must say, how do you fit an ego the size of yours in New York City? Perhaps you should relocate to Antarctica where you will have more room to blow your never-ending spew of arrogance to all who want to hear how truly great and wealthy you are. Try to remember you are just another human taking up space and breathing air that could better be used by a homeless person or a host of other more deserving ingrates who rank above you on the food chain. Those who toot there own horn the loudest are usually the ones who are worth the least. I would love to meet you on the street and see what you are really worth. My guess is very little. Clearly this fellow: 1.) Has way too much time on his hands and 2.) Doesn't get it. Antarctica? Well, at least he can spell, although he does tend to generalize a little too much. Archie
Subject: Lily
So Archie, what's it going to take for you and Lily to settle down
and tie
Michael ________________
It's too much fun tormenting Wolfe Archie
Subject: Not this time, Wolfe!
You waste your time pursuing me, Wolfe. I await the opportunity to rid the world of your impetuous, arrogant and effete snobbery once and for all. X
Subject: question...
Archie, Which agency do you like working with the best, the Panzer Agency or Durkin and Associates? Just wondering. ______ Nuts. I'm not going to answer that one. I get enough grief from them about the books, I'm not going to put something like that on a Web site. Archie
Subject: Telephone
Dear Sir/Madam. Is it possible for you to find out an ex-directory home telephone number in England and if so then how much will it cost a d how long will it take? Also can I pay by a postal order in the mail? __________ Sheesh. We've done all of these interesting cases and we still get these kind of requests. Maybe we should offer to do it for $10,000. The bank balance IS getting a little low. Archie
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 05:18:55 EDT
Archie,
______ P.S. You are much better looking than Tim Hutton Thank you, you're very kind. As for telling you a little about myself, I prefer not to. Everything I want the world to know about me is in the books. You'll just have to read (or preferably buy) them all. Archie
Date: Fri, 20 Jul 2001 20:24:20 -0500
I would like to find a person with an unlisted number in the United
Kingdom. All I have is the phone number, are you able to conduct
Thank you.
Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2001 11:52:21 -0500
I like your web site!! Thanks, Archie
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 03:00:11 -0500
My dear Mr. Goodwin, Please ask Mr. Wolfe to use his considerable influence to convince
the publishers at Bantam Books to re-print all of the Nero Wolfe mysteries.
That nice gentleman Mr. Stout, who helped you write the books, do you still miss him? Sincerely, A devoted fan We've been in long and sporadic negotiations. You do realize that Rex Stout was my pen name, don't you? Archie
Subject: demande de renseignements
Hello Iwrite to you this letter to ask you if it is necessary to
Your sincerly Friend
Subject: Michael Pritchard
Hello Archie -
Ah, I see you've found him. He's done almost all my books for Books on Tape. He does an excellent job on Mr. Wolfe, myself and the others. He doesn't seem to get the hang of Lily, though. I'd love to see him on the show, but, as you know, we've got no pull with A&E. Archie
Subject: Nero Wolfe page
What a hoot! I'd love to write an e-mail to Archie, just to
see what you
So I will just stay as me, and write to you as you, and say "Very
nice job
Thanks for an entertaining few minutes. I'm going to go back
and poke
Margaret _______ Margaret, Thank you for the very kind words. However, I must pass on the compliments to our Webmaster (what a stupid word), Jim Frazier and The Gadwall Group. As for your comments about the poor quality of some of the messages we receive, Mr. Wolfe agrees with you. Occasionally I print out some of them for him to review when he comes down from the plant rooms. They invariably produce grunts about the failure of our school system, or how email is dumbing down the populace. At those times, I beat it for Lily Rowan's. However, today Mr. Wolfe saw yours and he said "most satisfactory." Maybe now's the time to ask for that raise. Archie
Subject: Hi Archie
You don't know me but I have aced the tests about you and Mr. Wolf
on the
Of course I don't know you. I'd hate to think someone I knew was taking a test on A&E's Web site. Archie
Subject: Web Page
Dear Mr Goodwin: I was surprised to find the web page for Nero Wolfe
Randy _____ Randy, It's that attitude that keeps Mr. Wolfe working. That's why he keeps me around, although he prefers not to admit it. Thanks for your friendly comments. Archie
Subject: your appearance
Archie, you have amazed me! I always pictured you as Hoagy Carmichael. Much too handsome and hip to be cooped up with Nero...still, the food is divine and Nero can be amusing. Who chooses the music for your show? I think it is perfect and superb. I am intrigued by one blues that started "Is you is or is you ain't agree to be my belle...suprisement....advisement." I couldn't write fast enough. What is the name of it? I once worked for a private investigator and it had NONE of the
excitement or pleasant surroundings you enjoy. See you Sunday,
Elizabeth ________ Afraid I can't help you with the song - sometimes I'm busy on Sunday
nights. And Mr. Wolfe really gets grumpy when he watches. Remember,
we don't have anything to do with the show. And I AM much better
looking than Tim Hutton.
Subject: Nero's Orchids
How about a link to an Orchid site? They are another divine part of the whole. Tana _____ We're talking about a man who still dictates letters and insists on carbon paper. I don't think he'd be interested. Archie Subject: A>K>A>
I love it...so many times that I would sit glued to the set to assist
Ellery Queen in his weekly adventure and provide him the impetus to SOLVE
THE CRIME...or yell at him to watch out! for who or what was behind
the
BRAVO!
Subject: hi
hi i was wondering can you locate an find people?and if so what's is your fee?and what do you need to know about that person to find him. thx His location might help. Archie
Subject: SHEER GENIUS
ARCHIE GOODWIN AND NERO WOLFE MAKE THE BEST SHOW ON TV TODAY.
I USED TO
THE SHOW IS SHEER GENIUS!
Subject: Ties
Can you please tell me Archie where can one purchase those beautiful
ties
You do realize that the ones Tim Hutton wears don't reflect MY personal taste. I'd like to think that I've got a little better fashion sense. Archie
Subject: Life after Sherlock
As a mystery lover, your show has filled a void created by the total
lack of appreciation for genuine mystery and all its associated
Regards _____
Subject: Appointment
I have been a fan of Nero Wolfe for decades. I have, I believe,
a complete collection of the books. This includes the one by William
Subject: Good site
Enjoyed your site. Kind of like the anxious students wanting
to well on
___
Subject: web page l would like to finish it (p .s) a great tv show
buy all hope it lasy a long time good luck MAY THE GOOD LORD TAKE A LIKEIN TO YOU Huh? Archie
Subject: May I borrow Fritz?
Just wanted to say thank you for your very entertaining site and links, Jim! Or should I say, "Satisfactory, Archie." paula
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 09:10:29 -0400
I have a case for you. If interested contact by return email. industrialist missing. needed to complete deal for secret naval
plans.
Subject: Helo...information please...
I need advice on how doing a good background check on a man that I just met from NY. I would like information such as age, DOB, addresses, phone numbers,
Please respond with prices and timeline, if applicable.
______________________
Date: Sat, 9 Jun 2001
Sir-
First of all, Tim Hutton et al film in Toronto. We're in New York and have work to do, at least some of the time. Also, you really need to separate fictional from non-fictional characters. Archie
Subject: Nero Wolfe inquiry
please send us a list of the person's that have played nero, archie
etc on
Mr. Wolfe advises that he'd be happy to take your case on, but he'll need a sizable retrainer. He also will be charging you extra for your not proofreading your message. Archie
Subject: a mystery to me....
Dear Archie... I am puzzled, perplexed and confounded. I believe I am the
victim of
On the new TV series, based upon the adventures of yourself, and the cerebral adventures of Mr. Wolfe (glad to see he's getting some excercise), there appears to be a conundrum (look that up in the dictionary, will you?). When Mr. Wolfe had caskets delivered to the brownstone, they being
full of Saul and Fred and Orrie and Mr. Wolfe's doubles, I immediately
sat up and
Breathlessly awaiting your solution, and my best regards to Mr. Wolfe and, of course, Fritz. I sincerely believe the answer is 2 juniper berries, not 3. Jerry _____________________
Subject: Enjoying the TV series
You have brought the Nero Wolfe stories to life and so true to the
story... everything seems to be there. We were wondering though
Thanks for a very good show and look forward to seeing them all.
Subject: Skippy Wolfe
Dear Mr. Goodwin: My name is J. Farnsworth Flebbish. I am the legal representative
(Nick &
As you no doubt recall, you and Mr. Wolfe visited Montenegro in the 1950's, as chronicled in The Black Mountain. After Mr. Wolfe dined at The Queasy Sausage Diner in Podgorica (he had two orders of greblic, a native dish consisting of fried aardvark entrails in raspberry sauce), he had a romantic liason with the waitress who served him, Gladys Slopkovic. This liason resulted nine months later in a very chubby and short-tempered male child, whom Ms. Slopkovic named Skippy (Serbo-Croat for "flatulent"). Ms Slopkovic made an entry in her diary after her episode of passion with Mr. Wolfe; she noted that at the moment of climax, Mr. Wolfe murmured the word "Satisfactory." You may assure your employer that my client, Skippy Wolfe, has no plans to instigate a paternity lawsuit. In return, however, Skippy Wolfe wants Nero Wolfe to sign a legal document agreeing to the following conditions: 1) The next time Mr. Wolfe uses the word "flummery," Archie
Goodwin must
2) At least once per week, Mr. Wolfe must be tied down and
force-fed a
3) For a period of one month, starting immediately, Mr. Wolfe must address Archie Goodwin as "Dude." Sincerely yours,
When I showed this to Mr. Wolfe, he snorted, "flummery!" I didn't have a sock handy, but would have used it if I had. Also, Wolfe insists on ice in his Diet Coke...never Diet Pepsi. Archie
Subject: NYCDetective.com
Hello,
Thanks,
Subject: help
Dear Sir/Madam I would like to ask for help to find a lost friend of mine. He lives in New York. I know his name, date of birth and education
Give me a quotation of how much it will cost me to find him. My request is to make sure I meet him in person. Thank you for your help. Regards. Linda ______
Subject: Nero Wolfe inquiry
Dear Mr. Archie Goodwin:
Mrs. Lucy Gaul claims to not have had an argument the night before
the
Mr. Pathworthy is a British gentleman who was staying the night
and was a
Subject: I want to find a friend.
To Whom It May Concern: I am writing to your office because i lost contact with a friend
of mine. Who I really want to find. But, I do not
recall his last name. but i know his first name. By the time i met
him he was working for _______. He used to work in a club sometimes
called _____ as a bar
Subject: genius sir ,you are a genius!
i would like to start by saying that you are a genius, and your
man
your's truly, edward _______ Brushing up on your capitalization and grammar skills would be a start. Archie
Subject: NERO WOLFE'S BEER
What type & brand of beer does Mr. Wolfe prefer after dinner? The same that he prefers during the day. Archie
Date: Sun, 13 May 2001 19:51:21 EDT
Why didn't you list Dol Bonner"s agency as an associate? _______
Subject: Nero Wolfe inguiry
Mr. Goodwin: I live in the New York area, Queens specifically,
and I have been enthralled by Mr. Wolfe's work. I have read the tales
of your adventures
Anyway, down to the meat of this message.
I would like to work for you. Maybe just as a gopher(not like Orrie,
Saul, or Fred), as long as I
Hoping for a quick response, David __________ Mr. Wolfe has similar misgivings. Sorry. Archie
Subject: A kind invitation
Dear Mr Goodwin, I was so delighted to see your website. I may not be able to compare with Fritz in the griddlecake department, but believe me when I say that this Midwestern girl can make a cherry pie with ice cream that could melt a good Ohio boy's heart (along with a quart or two of milk!) Unfortunately, I don't have any problems necessitating the employment of the most handsome Mr Wolfe. But, I hope he doesn't mind one of those women he so mistrusts having a crush on his "Confidential Assistant"! Kindest regards, Lauran _________
Subject: Nero Wolfe inquiry
Dear Mr. Goodwin, I have a small problem...well, actually, it's a rather big
Your employer was recommended to me by my lawyer, _________, who
_________
Subject: Web Site
You're OK whoever you are. Alan Thanks. So are you. Archie
Subject: Your site
Nice site! If you ever do want to move to New York and start a detective agency, let me know. You said you needed someone to be Archie, and I'm particular and thin enough. We'd go a long way! S.______
Subject: Nero Wolfe inquiry
Dear Mr. Goodwin, Although careful reading of
your books suggests that your employer is too terrified of women to manage
even a platonic relationship with one, I would love to initiate a correspondence
with the Great Man. There is no danger that romance is the
object. For one thing, I live about 3,000 miles away and I spend
too much money on books to be able to afford an airplane
I, too, am middle-aged, plain, and fat. I admire Mr. Wolfe for his honor, his wit, his erudition, and the fact that he never annoys me with incorrect use of the English language. It doesn't hurt that, while 99.6% of the men in the world aren't intelligent enough to interest me, Mr. Wolfe is in the other 0.4%. By the way, please accept my congratulations on your maturing outlook upon women. Your nasty remarks about older and/or unattractive women in your earlier works were shockingly insensitive. After all, it was obvious that you justifiably hated having social snobs treat you as if you were a non-person simply because you were not of their class. For you to turn around and do the same thing to us older women was difficult to understand. You knew how it felt. However, now that you have realized that we middle-aged women are "the backbone of this country", I forgive your previous views. I must go. I expect no more than a loud snort and a heartfelt *pfui* from Mr. Wolfe, but I had to ask. Ann _________________________
Subject: Need a contact in Sweden/Scandinavia??
If you need any help to find anyone, get any info
___________
Subject: THE A& E SERIES
The new series is filmed in my city Toronto--- I often see them on the street Maury Chakin (lives in Toronto) can be seen ( I know I have spoken with him) with his young boy (about 2) cruising the streets of toronto mainly in Toronto s little Italy where he lives -- So archie give me a call regards _________
Subject: information
i need your correct phone number,please
You people see what I have to put up with? Archie
Subject: Greetings
Dear Archie, Just discovered the page, and I must say that I find it satisfactory,
My regards to Miss Rowan, and my very best regards and wishes to you, _________ PS for Mr. Frazier : As the "official" biographer of another well-known
Subject: Wolfe site/Consulting biz
Hello, I found your site from the A&E site, where the "Merely A Genius"
site is
Best wishes,
Subject: please reply
Hi my name is ________ and I would like to ask you a question about
THANKS FOR YOUR TIME _________
Subject: Nero Wolfe Inquiry
My Dear Mr. Goodwin; So you managed to get the world's most famous recluse, and, modern technology hater, to allow you to have a web site developed. What next, Nero Wolfe using the internet to communicate with other orchid growers internationally, without you typing and, mailing the letters? And, the esteemed Mr. Brenner, is he also using the internet to help him find new culinary creations to delight Mr. Wolfe, yourself, and, the rare guest? When can we expect to read more of Mr. Wolfe's cases? Haven't seen anything in years, since that writer from Chicago was assigned to help you. My best to Mr. Wolfe, Mr. Brenner, Ms. Rowan, Insp. Cramer (has/will he ever be promoted?,) and, all your associates. Bill _____
Subject: English Composition
Mr. Goodwin,
P.S. I received an A on my paper. Thanks for the peak into your world. When I showed your note to Mr. Wolfe (I had to print it out, he
As to a speaking engagement, unfortunately, while he might be good
at
Good luck, Archie
Subject: Archie? Is that you?
Archie! We went to high school together, remember? (You
were older...I had this awful crush on you.) I can't believe
you're
Oh, and I own Irish Wolfhounds...should I make that wolfEhounds?
If you need a guard dog for the brownstone, I'm the one
Subject: HI..
HI..MY NAME IS _____..AND I WANT WORK PRIVATE DEDECTIVE OFFICE..I CAN DO EVERYTHING..I KNOW WHEN YOU WILL SEE THIS MESAJ YOU'LL THING I'M CARYZ..BUT I'M NOT!!! REALY I WANT WORK LIKE THIS JOB..AND I'M SO SMART PERSON..AND I CAN GO EVERY PLEACE I CAN'T AFRAID FROM NOTHING...IF YOU CAN READ THIS MESAJ PLEASE GIVE ME ONE LUCK..AND IF YOU WANT SEE ME I CAN CAME YOUR OFFICE..AND ALSO I FINISH 8 HOUR SECURITY GUARD COURSE.. THANK YOU VERY MUCH........ See, THIS is the real reason we've got that one-way mirror and a chain on the door. Archie
Subject: find a person
Hi, how can I contact you over the phone? I am looking for a lawyer, who has moved uot of his office and his phone has been disconected. ________
Subject: (no subject)
To whom it may concern, I am inquiring about locating an old friend who I lost contact approximately 8 years ago. What is your procedure for intiating a search for this person? Thank you ______________
Subject: Detroit
I live in Michigan, Detroit. I'm a 41 year old that is dating someone that I think is cheating
on me.
I need to know the truth. I want pictures, voice conversations,
and video
__________
Subject: I need your help
Dear Archie, I'm a young single woman in trouble. Perhaps I can buy you a glass of milk and a corned beef sandwich, and we can talk about your providing some personal assistance. Miss _____ Dear Ms. _____ While I am intrigued by your offer, I'm afraid I don't accept independent work at this time. That could change, however. In the meantime, would you care to make an appointment with Mr. Wolfe? Archie
Subject: Nero Wolfe inquiry
Hello Mr. Goodwin, I am writing to ask if you have anyone doing
transcribing for you? I am writing to many agencies and came across
yours. I live in __________ and my prices are reasonable. I
am a __________. If you would like to talk with me about the transcribing
service I provide you can e-mail me at _____@_____ thank you for
your time sincerely, _____
Subject:
Greetings Fellow Investigator, I'm with _______ Investigations in California.
You will be added to our ____ Link Page:
Did you know that links pointing back to your site (reciprocal links) are the ONLY links that boost your web site ranking in the search engines & increase your traffic. Every link on your site that doesn't give you a reciprocal link back is just a waste of your space. Well that's it.
K_____, http://_____.com Evidently you're not up on your detective fiction. Nero Wolfe is a fictional detective based in NYC, and the page you responded to is a mock advertisement for his agency. If you had looked at the second page, you would have seen a disclaimer at the bottom of the page. I'd be happy to link to your page, but I'm guessing you'd prefer reciprocal links from real agencies. Let me know. Jim Frazier
Subject: Dear Archie
Wish you did take domestic cases. I have one that's been a puzzle
for some time. My husband has been leaving for work early. He says it's
because he has to. Things could be better here at home. Am I a fool? I
know Nero Wolf would snort and yell and order up another beer at my foolhardy
request. But perhaps you could help. I'm told you like legs.
P.S. How ever in the world did you manage to get such a great cook.
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